why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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