Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
