At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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