My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize