In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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