Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
