Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
