Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
