You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
