I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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