I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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