bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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