chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
