There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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