Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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