I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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