New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
