Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
