I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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