If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
