Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
