Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
