shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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