can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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