i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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