I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
