Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
