How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
