So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
false alarm, still single
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
