My friends, they love my intelligence
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
