OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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