he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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