I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
