Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
