Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Randomize
