There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
