Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
