So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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