I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize