Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
we should paint friendship bongs
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
