He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
