i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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