I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
