Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
