oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
