Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
