Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
