Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
