So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Success! We fucked roommates!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
