Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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