Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
