I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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