I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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