booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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