listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
