dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
