Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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