My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
