I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize