I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
