That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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