Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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