I cannot find my penis.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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