I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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