Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize