I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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