If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
