i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
