i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
