At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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