I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
