Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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